Better Than I Know Myself
by Jmags-WriterofAwesomeness
Summary: Beck has always cared for Jade- before, during, and after the breakup. But will she realize this before it's too late? Songfic 1 of my Bade/Tandre/Cabbie songfic series to "Better Than I Know Myself" by Adam Lambert. Rated T for minor cursing and dark themes. Bade! I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE LYRICS.


_I'm baaaaack! Actually, I'm only back really for today and then I'll be gone for another week or so. Let me explain to you now why that is._

_So for the novel I'm writing, the epilogue has three points of view in it. And- oh my gosh, guess how many songfics I'm writing? Three! It fits perfectly! So now after every POV I finish writing for my other story, I will write a songfic for you guys to celebrate what I just accomplished! Sounds like an awesome deal, huh? You guys got sooo lucky! I wasn't planning on writing anything else until the whole book was finished._

_Anyway, I should shut up and tell you what this story is. The song is called "Better Than I Know Myself" by Adam Lambert and this contains a lot of BADE. I chose this song because I was listening to it one day and I thought to myself "OMG this is such a Bade song!" Not my favorite couple out of the three I ship, but they are really cute together :) This is the first songfic out of the three Bade/Tandre/Cabbie ones I'm also doing, so keep a lookout in the future for more songfics by me!_

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE LYRICS. The lyrics were written by someone I have no idea exists and they were sung by an amazing singer. 'Nuff said.**

* * *

_Cold as ice  
And more bitter than a December  
Winter night  
That's how I treated you  
And I know that I  
I sometimes tend to lose my temper  
And I cross the line  
Yeah that's the truth_

* * *

"Jade… baby, talk to me," a voice murmured in her ear.

A fourteen year-old girl with brown hair and yellow streaks in her hair stood at her locker and refused to look at her boyfriend. She clutched the handle of her locker door angrily as she watched a tall, gorgeous blond girl walk past Beck and give him a flirty hair flip. "I'm not talking to you right now."

Beck looked at her, concerned. "What's wrong? You've been ignoring me all day."

"It's none of your business!" she snapped. "What are you, my mom?"

Beck sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "No, but I am your boyfriend and I deserve to know why my girlfriend is mad at me."

He watched as Jade slowly looked over Beck's shoulder and squinted her eyes. He followed her gaze and saw the blonde girl wave at him and wink ever so slightly, as if the wink was meant especially for him and no one else. "Why are you still talking to her?"

"Who, Allison?"

Jade's voice got harsher as she heard the girl's name escape his mouth. "Yes… She's peppy, annoying, and she's a jealous gank! Why does she keep staring at you like she wants to eat you?"

Beck put his hands up in defense. "I am not responsible for what that girl thinks of me or what I look like."

"Oh, so you want to break up with me and get with her instead!"

Beck's mouth dropped open in shock. "I never said that! Did those words even come out of my mouth?"

"No, but it was implied; you pretty much said you aren't going to do anything about it!" She crossed her arms in front of her chest and kicked the locker below hers angrily.

"You expect me to be a complete jerk to her and do that? I don't like breaking girls' hearts!" Beck protested.

"Oh, really? Like the time you purposefully broke your mom's heart and threw your dog's ball in the street so that the little shithead, the dog that she paid more attention to than you, would get run over by an oncoming car?" Jade shouted and sneered at him. "Yeah Beck, you're _such _an angel, aren't you?"

Beck felt like she had shot him directly in the heart. She had gone too far; no one was supposed to know about that but her, and now the whole hallway was staring at him like he was some kind of monster. He practically shook with anger (which didn't happen to him often) as Jade looked at him with icy green eyes full of fury.

He clenched his fist but relaxed it and tried to calm himself down and think rationally. "I need a break," he said quietly.

Jade stared at him. "From what?"

"From you!" he shouted and disappeared around the corner.

Jade bit the inside of her cheek and tried to keep the tears from pouring down her face. She ran into the Hollywood Arts bathroom before anyone could see her break down.

And that was the first big fight Beck and Jade ever had as a couple.

* * *

_I know it gets hard sometimes  
But I could never  
Leave your side  
No matter what I say_

* * *

That night, Jade sat in her room and stared at a picture of her and Beck on their first date three months ago. He seemed so understanding and… perfect back then. What made him change all of a sudden? Was he getting tired of her already? If he was, it wouldn't come as too big a surprise of her- all her past boyfriends had done the same thing after she had screamed at them a couple of times.

She was suddenly broken out of her trance by a _thunk!_ against her window. She got up from behind her bed and opened it to find Beck standing below with a rock in his hand.

"Can I come in?" he asked her softly but loud enough so she could still hear him.

She wanted to say yes so badly, but the hurt she was feeling was too much for her to respond. She just shook her head as the tears built up in her eyes again. She ran away from the window and collapsed on her bed. Before she knew it, Beck had climbed up the ladder hanging beside her window and was now rubbing her back as she sobbed into her black comforter. "Jade, what's wrong?" he whispered softly, and Jade's heart broke at his soothing tone.

She took her time hoisting herself up and forced herself to look at Beck.

"My cousin was at a big party yesterday. The police found her dead in a bathroom naked and covered with bruises and cuts." She choked on her words as she said them. "Someone drugged her, raped her, and then left her to die."

* * *

_Coz if I wanted to go  
I woulda gone by now but  
I really need you near me  
To keep my mind off the edge  
If I wanted to leave  
I woulda left by now  
But you're the only one that knows me  
Better than I know myself._

* * *

After a few hours of crying, kissing, and cuddling, Beck and Jade laid on her bed in a comfortable silence.

"Hey Beck?"

He turned his head to the side to look at her. "Yeah?"

She smiled weakly at him as she tried to wipe the mascara trails off her face. "Thanks for staying with me. I don't know what I would've done if you didn't come. Hailey was the closest thing I had to a sister." She squeezed her eyes shut, refusing to cry again. "And now she's gone."

Beck kissed her forehead and pulled her into a hug. "Did you really think I'd leave you after seeing you like this? I could never do that to someone I love."

"But… I treated you so horribly today," Jade stammered and burrowed her head into his chest. "How could you not hate me by now?"

He smirked. "Because I know you, Jade. You never really mean what you say. Your anger just gets the best of you sometimes."

Jade pouted a little and stayed in silence. Beck lifted her chin up and kissed her gently.

"Oh, I almost forgot!" he exclaimed, breaking away from her suddenly. He pulled an object out of his pocket and handed it to her. "Here. I saw these and thought of you."

He handed her a medium-sized pair of scissors with thick, black handles. She smoothed her fingers around the plastic and marveled at how shiny the blades were. But she was still confused. "Scissors?" she asked in disbelief. "Of all the things in the world, you got me _scissors?_"

"Thought you could use a break from that hammer you've been using ever since you were little." He pulled the covers over them and she snuggled against his chest. "I think you'll enjoy those a lot better." He turned off the light and kissed her hair. "Sweet dreams."

Jade smiled to herself as she eventually heard Beck's soft snores behind her. She twirled the scissors around in her hands and thought about what object she could cut up first. She gently opened and closed the blades and the sharp sound they made was music to her ears.

That's how Jade West found her love for scissors.

* * *

_All along_  
_I tried to pretend it didn't matter_  
_If I was alone_  
_Deep down I know_  
_If you were gone_  
_For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn_  
_Coz I'm lost without you._

* * *

Jade scowled as she picked bits of leaves and sticks out of her hair. She started up the car in the Hollywood Arts parking lot and drove the long way back to her house since she enjoyed driving at night.

See, this is why she hates proms. Nothing good ever comes out of them. Her devious plan to wreck Tori's "prome" had failed completely and she ended up in the bushes with a sweaty Doug ready to "celebrate" with his Prome Queen. Luckily, she managed to kick him in the shin and push him down before he could kiss her. That would've been so disgusting! She shivered at the thought of what could have happened.

She hated that Beck was in Canada. Maybe if he was here with her instead of his stupid sick grandma, none of this would've happened. And she didn't want to admit it to herself but… she missed him. A lot.

She stopped at a stop sign and looked at what road she was on. _Shit! _she swore to herself. She was so busy feeling sorry for herself that she didn't pay attention to where she was driving. Now she was stuck in the middle of nowhere.

She cursed Beck in her mind for making her so weak and spineless.

* * *

_I know it gets hard sometimes_  
_But I could never_  
_Leave your side_  
_No matter what I say_

* * *

Jade pulled over to the side of the road and put her emergency blinkers on as it started to rain. She groaned and banged her head against the steering wheel. How could she be so smart yet so incredibly stupid at the same time?

_Buzzzzzz_

Startled, she snapped her head up and glanced down at her phone, which was resting peacefully in her cup holder. As soon as she saw who it was, she smiled. _Beck._ Thank god. "Hey, I thought you would never call," she said in a snarky tone, trying to hide the relief in her voice.

His deep voice chuckled through the speakers and ran through her ears. Her heart ached at how much she wished he was sitting by her side right now. "Of course I did. I can't go too long without hearing your voice again." She was glad that he wasn't here to see the blush creeping up her cheeks. "Did I miss too much already?"

She picked one of her fingers as she tried to figure out what to say to him. _Yes, I tried to destroy Vega's stupid prom and it didn't work. There's so much I need to tell you and I miss you like crazy. Please come back soon._

"No, not really."

* * *

_Coz if I wanted to go  
I woulda gone by now but  
I really need you near me  
To keep my mind off the edge  
If I wanted to leave  
I woulda left by now  
But you're the only one that knows me  
Better than I know myself._

* * *

"Hey, um… while I have you on the phone…" She put Beck on speaker and started up the car. "Do you know how to get to my house from the intersection of McFarland and Quincy?"

"Whoa, Jade- what are you doing there? That's all the way on the other side of the city!"

"Cat asked me to go pick something up for her brother and she led me into the middle of nowhere, okay?" she lied. "Now just tell me where to go!"

She could practically feel him smiling through the phone. "Make a U-turn and keep going straight until you get to Nozu. Then, you know where to go from there."

She mentally smacked herself in the head. How did she not know that? "Awesome, thanks babe."

"No problem. Hey, don't miss me too much, alright?" he said softly.

She smiled to herself as she started driving again. "I won't. I love you, "she said into the phone.

"I love you too- don't you forget that." She was just about to hang up when Beck spoke up again. "And another thing- you can always call me whenever you get lost. I'll help you find your way back every time."

"Okay, I'll make sure to keep that in mind."

"And I know you were lying about Cat's brother. We can talk about everything when I get home tomorrow. Bye!"

"Wait, how-"He hung up before she got the chance to ask him how he knew that she was bluffing.

Sometimes, she wondered how that boy could always read her mind.

* * *

_I get kind of dark_  
_Let it go too far_  
_I can be obnoxious at times_  
_But try and see my heart_  
_Coz I need you need now_  
_So don't let me down_  
_You're the only thing in this world I would die without._

* * *

It was two months after the breakup and Jade's heart was slowly breaking. She had just seen Beck try to kiss Tori. Not only was Tori the one who stopped him from doing it, but he had tried to blame everything on her by telling Tori about the hamburger incident and the Platinum Music Awards!

She still loved him. Of course she did. They were together for three years before they broke up! You would have to have quite a close bond to last that long before eventually getting fed up with each other- which is exactly what happened to them in the end. Even though she didn't let it show, it tore her to pieces that Beck had already moved on- and onto Vega, of all the girls in the world!

After the awards ended, she stormed off without saying goodbye to anyone else. When she got home, she ignored her mother's obscene screams and locked herself in the upstairs bathroom. She took her razor out of the shower and ripped off her ridiculous costume. She closed her eyes and put the razor to her arm, bracing herself for the pain.

She sliced her wrist open once. That was for when they broke up and got together again after the whole Alyssa Vaughn incident.

She made another incision below that cut and watched the blood flow into the sink. That was for all the times she had accused him wrongly of liking other girls or she had taken him for granted.

She grimaced in pain as she opened up her skin a third time on her other wrist. That was for Beck's behavior before and during Sinjin's game show and for having the nerve to break her heart and not open the door that one fateful night.

She made one last cut below that one and stopped because the blood loss was making her dizzy. That was for Beck moving on- for Beck leaving her in the dust and leaving their relationship in ruins. She had overestimated his conscience and she was right in the first place- he was just another stupid, hormonal teenage boy looking for some other girl to screw over when he was done with another one.

She slapped a couple of bandages over her cuts and vowed not to let anyone see them the next day. Who thought that a boy, of all people, would make her do something as painful and as dangerous as this…?

* * *

_Coz if I wanted to go  
I woulda gone by now but  
I really need you near me  
To keep my mind off the edge  
If I wanted to leave  
I woulda left by now  
But you're the only one that knows me  
Better than I know myself._

* * *

As the months passed by, Beck started to notice a change in Jade. She was still mean and bitter than usual, but there was an emptiness in her eyes that wasn't there before. She had shaved off all of Cat's hair when Cat had accidentally waxed off her eyebrows. They had to chain her to the table so that she wouldn't kill her, even though the little redhead didn't mean anything she did. It was like some evil spirit had entered her body and made Jade a cold, ruthless soul.

It was torture for him to watch her fall. She used to have a heart, even though it was hidden behind an icy wall of insecurity. She used to care for her friends and hide her concern under snide comments and menacing glares; but now it looked like she didn't care about what she did to anyone anymore.

Soon enough, no one wanted to be her friend anymore; she had pushed them all away with her acts of anger and egotistic behavior. The cuts grew bigger and bigger on her arms (almost big enough for people to notice) and Jade felt invincible. She could battle the pain of the breakup and the cuts and still come out victorious. She would never back down without a fight.

But one day, she just gave up. She gave up on life when she witnessed her father slash her mother's throat. Even though her mom screamed at her a lot, she still loved her- unlike her father did. And now she was gone, too- just like her cousin, who had died almost four years ago.

She snatched her razor, jumped out the window, and ran to Beck's house. Sobbing hysterically, she hid behind a tree and held her razor in her shaking hands. He deserved to find her dead. He deserved to feel the pain that her death was his fault. She knew it would kill him to see her lifeless body rotting in the darkness of the night and bleeding all over his precious front yard.

Not bothering to check and see if anyone else was around, she started cutting across her thighs and her cries grew louder the more cuts she made. She needed the pain to get out; she needed the pain to go away.

After her legs were all cut up and bloody, she started moving the razor towards her throat. She didn't want to suffer anymore.

Before she could make any more unexpected movements, someone came and tackled her out of nowhere. "Jade, what the hell are you doing? !" Beck shouted as he saw the bloody razor in her hands and her legs painted red.

"I…" Jade went to respond but suddenly passed out in Beck's arms.

Beck immediately called 911 as he took off his leather jacket and pressed it against her legs to reduce the blood flow. He couldn't let her die now. Not like this.

* * *

_Coz if I wanted to go_  
_I woulda gone by now but_  
_I really need you near me_  
_To keep my mind off the edge_  
_If I wanted to leave_  
_I woulda left by now_  
_But you're the only one that knows me_  
_Better than I know myself._

* * *

Jade woke up in the hospital with Beck sitting by her side. She sat up and saw that her legs were wrapped in layers of white gauze. She tried moving one but cried out in pain and Beck gently lowered her back down into her bed. She started sobbing into her hands and Beck just held her tight and whispered soothing words into her ear as she let her anguish out.

"How do you not hate me right now?" she wailed. "I tried to kill myself! I was mean to everyone, including you, and I don't deserve to be here right now!"

"Because I still love you," he whispered and Jade fell silent.

"Y-you do?"

He smiled at her sadly and took her hand in his. "I never stopped."

She looked at him in shock. "Even though you tried to kiss Tori?"

"Wait, how did you find out about that?"

She glanced down at her lap ashamedly. "Cat left her video chat on in my dressing room and I saw the whole conversation."

Beck let out a frustrated sigh and hugged her again. "I'm so sorry you saw that! The pain of losing you was just too much- I was trying to move on."

Jade looked up at him with watery eyes. "To be honest… that nearly killed me. It made me feel like I wasn't worth anything to you anymore- that our whole relationship was just a pile of bullshit!" She buried her head into her hands.

"Look at me," Beck commanded and turned her shoulders so they faced him. "Our relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me. If I didn't care about you, I would've left you a long time ago. You get what I'm saying?"

Jade took in a shuddery breath and nodded. "I understand."

He looked deep into her eyes and cupped her face in his hands. "Promise me you'll never do this to yourself again. People care about you, Jade. I care about you."

He was elated when the words tumbled out of her mouth. "I promise."

"Good." He kissed her lightly on the lips and Jade smiled. He was back. Her other half, her soul mate, was here to stay. And for the first time in months, she was happy again. "Now how about I get you some coffee and we can start over?"

He got up and Jade gave him a small smile and nodded slightly. "I'd like that."

He started to leave but Jade remembered that she forgot to tell him something. Before she could even speak, Beck finished her thoughts for her. "Black coffee, two sugars. I know." He smiled at her and she watched as he disappeared down the hallway.

She wondered how sometimes, Beck knew her better than she knew herself.

* * *

_Sorryyy, I was trying not to allude to the actual song title in the story but I had to when I got to the end! Hope y'all enjoyed it and I'll be back soon with my next songfic!_

_And sorry if I didn't really write the Bade that well. I'm better at writing Tandre and Cabbie since I like them more than Bade. But hope it was still good, nonetheless!_

_Reviews would be amazing! My one oneshot about Cabbie got 27 reviews- let's see if I can match that!  
_


End file.
